Accepting Failure w/o Becoming One

If you’ve been an entrepreneur for long, you know this feeling. It’s a heavy, dull sense of something that disappoints you, like the sun not coming out for a week. It’s a vaguely familiar feeling of loss, like the death of an unborn child, something anticipated that is never to be.

The pain is somewhere deep inside our core. It pulses with sadness, frustration, anger and even rage. The waves of primitive emotion sweep over us, again and again silencing all hope and confidence. The doom is only broken by an occasional gasp of air. It seems as if we don’t have any reason to live, but we can’t muster the hope or strength to fight from drowning any longer. We vacillate between fighting, fleeing or freezing.

Wisdom tells us that;

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick”    Proverbs 13:12

As I write this, after 18 months of hard work planning, executing and promoting this year’s expedition I have a sick heart. My hope for a vividly imagined marketing and masculine initiation adventure has come to a halt. The past three weeks have been a torturous struggle to understand the thickening chaos and to squarely take responsibility for the shortfall while shoring up my ego and the reputation damages for this years expedition not launching as expected.

Sure, I could look at the evidence and find an excuse; the sick economy, frightened men, even WA Hwy 20 not opening due to avalanches and a late spring weather pattern, but blame does no good. It’s like a vulture’s shadow. The shadow isn’t even the real thing spying my carcass for the absence of life. A real bird of prey would be something to be afraid of, but this is just a sketchy shadow.

I can point to a rider that panicked and drove back home without saying goodbye. Another that has had so many set-backs it’s hard to imagine much more strength in the face of adversity. And another that simply nodded silently as if to say ‘hmmm’ guess that’s that.

So where’s the lesson in this for us?

 

Lesson One

Balance your PMF

Doing some forensics on our Product, Marketing, Finance (PMF factors), I can see a distinct pattern, from which I can point out my leadership blind-spot. Michael Gerber writes about the situation with this caution; “work ON your business, not IN your business”.

That’s a real dilemma for solo-preneurs. We easily default to a single portion of our enterprise. Not surprisingly, it’s our coping mechanisms that predispose us to our PMF corner, and ‘pressures’ further entrench us in our habitual cave of choice.

On the left, is an illustration of Production resources increasing rapidly, then as the product gets refined and ready for release, more time than resources are spent. The balance to this (blue line) would be that marketing expends little resources until nearing the end of the development cycle, upon which Marketing jumps to life. The two should reconnect, with awareness and product and demand in the top right. Perfect timing and launch in theory.

In the illustration to the right, are the past 3 years of my effort in green. I note that ‘Production’ ran far ahead of ‘marketing’, redirecting over $500k to create a great product and a series of imagined outcomes long before the market was informed (cyclists and MENtrepreneurs). We’re self-funded. So, with marketing lagging, our sales fall short, and resources to get the product to market fall short, and the excitement and confidence falter, leaving others stunned and questioning themselves, and us. (or so I think) In reality, people are busy elsewhere, and we simply haven’t yet got their attention.

Some habitual coping mechanisms pop up in these kind of situations. Fear, anger, and a bunch of other Fight/Flight/Freeze behaviors. Some of which look like these:

The bottom line of advice:

Be sure all three factors (PMF) are in balance, even if it means slipping the launch for the others to catch up, rather than pressing on the others to ‘catch up’ ‘measure up’, or simply to PRODUCE RESULTS! Remember my top strength? ACHIEVER? It’s my blind-spot and my offender!

 

Lesson Two

The ‘story isn’t over’ unless you quit.

The second half of the proverb is:

“but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life”

I interrupted my ‘production’ to listen to today’s lesson from Les Brown. He’s one of the ‘distant’ mentors I have in my quorum.

His point today?

Don’t quit. Don’t give up. Keep after your greatness. Find another way. Try another route, another date, another partner.

Hmmm. So if we had been riding, I wouldn’t have submitted for the Ashoka ChangeMakers competition, or found the interest by Providence Hospital Systems in co-branding our Enterprising Cycle? Maybe the route and timing have simply changed and I’m only dealing with unrealistic expectations? Hmmm.

I rationalize and reason Les’s shot of advice this way:
If I quit, I am certain of the outcome. If I try again, then I have half a chance of succeeding – which is double where I am now. Ok, then let’s write the Executive Summary for Providence.

 

Lesson Three

NEVER go it alone.

Another of my ‘mastermind’ is the husband wife team behind the ‘Art of Manliness’, Brett and Kate McKay. I learned about the resiliency of Casey Burgener in a recent article. I didn’t realize I would be learning valor through Casey for a few weeks - after the expedition postponement was obvious.

“Casey knows all about the highs and lows of this struggle for athletic glory. He’s been competing in Olympic-style weightlifting for almost two decades. He and his wife Natalie, who is also a weightlifter and competed in the 2008 Olympics, live together at the Olympic Training Center in Colorado Springs, Co.

Casey qualified to compete in the 2008 Olympics but had his spot taken from him the night before the opening ceremonies when weightlifters from other countries were disqualified, thus changing the results of the qualifying rounds. Such a disappointment might have crushed a lesser man, but Casey just got back to work, setting his mind on training for another four years to compete in London in 2012. 

 

Lesson Four

Understand Grief

From Wikipedia: The Kübler-Ross Model, commonly known as The Five Stages of Grief, was first introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book, On Death and Dying

The stages, popularly known in its abbreviated form DABDA, include:

1. Denial — "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
   Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of possessions and individuals that will be left behind after death.
2. Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?"
   Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy.
3. Bargaining — "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."
   The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just have more time..."
4. Depression — "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die... What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"
   During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.
5. Acceptance — "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
   In this last stage, the individual begins to come to terms with her/his mortality or that of a loved one.

The point here is that small business is personal. You’ll not just get back to business as usual without going through the steps above. Guess which one I’m finally in? Five – Acceptance. This pain is mostly because I worked so long, and vividly imagined every mile of the route in my mind, and using Google maps.

 

Your turn.

What have you learned about resilience and bouncing back?
Who’s there to remind you about perspective?

Duped by Comparative Thinking

Becoming aware of our strengths, short-comings and out-right blindness's is critical for growth – both personal and professional. If we’re ‘duped’ by comparative thinking, then we’re self-sabotaging our success and happiness. On the other hand...

The Flywheel from Hell

As an enterprising man, encompassed with the complex set of issues that direct your roles of running and growing your own enterprise while becoming a man-of-valor, an excellent father and husband, who do you turn to when you run out of answers?

Riding my MANstrual Cycle

Have you ever noticed we’re called human ‘beings’, not human ‘doings’? And, yet, we find it easy as men to talk about ‘doing’ – but ‘real talk’ about our ‘struggles’ are rare. So… let me break the ice and start us off…

The Physics of Peer Support

The physics of Cohesion, Adhesion, Surface Tension, Bubbles and Foam Structures resemble Peer Support and Peer Networks. Here’s a refresher on the basics.

Instant Happy Feelings? Stick It!

So you have the dull face, grey sky, low energy countenance and feelings of doom and gloom? Want to change that to a great feeling of power and happiness in less than a minute?

According to researchers Kenneth Sheldon and Sonja Lyubomirsky, happiness doesn’t come easily. But, you can change your feelings from miserable to joyful in moments.

There are two type of personal change; Circumstantial and Intentional.

Circumstantial change is buying a new car, moving to a new location, winning the lottery. These are obviously not quick changes. Intentional change requires much more effort, such as finishing the Enterprising Cycle Level One series, or learning to fly an airplane, or to play an instrument. These take much more effort to accomplish than circumstantial change.

According to several studies, the reason that circumstantial change isn’t very good at modifying our happiness is that we adapt to the change very quickly. This is called “hedonistic habituation”. It’s the ‘ho-hum’ we feel after eating the same great meal 20 days in a row, or having sex with our wife 4 times a week for a decade. (what?!@)

Remember the ‘what’s different?’ example of the bar code from Session Three? Once we become familiar with an experience, our minds quickly wander off looking for the ‘tiger in the bush’. We continue scanning the jungle for the anomaly and take the rest for granted. Stare at the seven lines below. You can see how your eyes fixate or settle on the ‘missing’ line in the series. Mean while, your mind rushes off to another thought, rather than celebrating the abundance of the seven lines.

So, the new home, the new wife, the NEW ENTERPRISE, they all induce hedonistic habituation from which we tend toward boredom. Ho-hum.

n the other hand, we know from neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) and most behavioral psychology that ‘feelings follow behavior’. Laugh and dance, you feel happy. Slouch and isolate – you die. This brings me to the topic of this article. Given an entrepreneur’s incessant focus on fixing problems and solving puzzles, how can we induce happy feelings in less than a minute –

 

The answer?

Stick it!

Grab an ordinary pen or pencil. Stick it width-wise across your mouth, clenched by your front teeth so that your lips don’t touch the pencil. Hold that position for 15-30 seconds and you’ll begin to feel happier.

Try it.

Just in case you don’t believe me, and try ignoring the feelings, reverse the effect, and create feelings of sadness and anger by holding the pen/pencil with your lips rather than your teeth. Hold it for 15-30 seconds while recognizing what ‘feelings’ are created.

The trick is that when you hold the pencil with your teeth, you contract your facial muscles similar to a smile, and when you hold it with your lips, you imitate a frown. Try this yourself while looking at yourself in the mirror. You’ll see the expressions that give your feelings away.

My thanks to Richard Wiseman and his work in producing 59 Seconds – Think a Little, Change a Lot. It’s a marvelous read filled with examples like this. Order a copy for your mind AND your toolbox!

 

 

 

 

 

Sonja Lyubomirsky, Ph.D., is Professor of Psychology at the University of California, Riverside.

    http://www.faculty.ucr.edu/~sonja/

Kenneth M. Sheldon, Ph.D. Professor of in Social/Personality Psychology at the University of Missouri, Columbia

    http://sheldon.socialpsychology.org/

Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP)

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuro-linguistic_programming

Banana Seat + Monkey Bars

It's one thing to get what you want. It's quite another to understand how God gives you what you ask for - especially when it comes disguised as loss and heartache. That's when it takes a couple Kings to sort out the issue. I wanted monkey bars and a banana seat.