This is my third reading, and the fourth listening of the audios from Wild At Heart and Fathered By God by John Eldredge. I’ve also been considering a number of facets of my personal transformation – and the aging process – while trying to really grasp what a couple historians have shared.
Let me walk you through the experience, as you will benefit by not taking quite as long as I to agree with the advice from two kings of history.
As I shared in another article, I’m moving from a life of ‘ambition’ to one based on ‘meaning’. (< expand image)
Yesterday, from my desk, perched within the Columbia Gorge National scenic area which is Mecca for windsurfing and kite-boarding, I watched a large group of local (aging) men ‘playing’ on the river. We call it ‘mowing the yard’ because we windsurf ‘back-and-forth’ from the Rock Creek launch site, here in Oregon, and we turn around (jibe) near the bluffs, a mile away in Washington. Back and forth we go for hours – working our yard.
The guys were out in force, as was the wind and swell. When I finally decided I better get off my stool and leave this keyboard for a short session, I quickly discovered that I had left some rather pricy (and essential) gear on the beach the last time I sailed with my son – a full week ago. Long story short – without a harness and a helmet I don’t get to play with the boys. I got really mad @*&! (uh-oh.)
If you recall the lessons from Dr. Hegstrom about emotional triggers, and what self-awareness of the 'tipping points' reveal to us, then you know that I witnessed a part of my core (false) beliefs. I also reminded myself that I’m not yet the master of my mind that I intend to be. (the Apostle Paul had this issue too)
I peeled a couple emotional layers off in the following few hours; “yeah, I’m ticked that I can’t go play (because I’ve always been more responsible than playful) but this is the last time for a week or two that I’ll ‘get my dopamine fix”. I instantly saw this thinking as shallow as it sounds.
What was beneath that fear and habit was the memory of the injustice of my childhood with regard to getting a particular bicycle so I could play with the kids outside, rather than stay in to babysit my siblings. When my birthday finally arrived, I got a bike, but it wasn’t what I expected or asked for. It was a cruiser with big fat tires – not a stingray with banana seat and monkey bars.
My step parents were clueless. They had no idea what I dreamed of. I was heartbroken and embarrassed. How was I going to do wheelies on a cruiser?
I’m 55, not 7. This memory too is just a shadow of what’s really troubling me. It’s a pointer, a clue, and the way toward the issue, but it’s NOT the issue. “OK, God, what’s the real deal? John Eldredge writes that you’re initiating me again – and yet I’m not thrilled about this lesson (yet). What’s really my fear?”
Here’s where the kings come in.
I spent a few hours looking for some wisdom – mostly from a few old dead guys – and I’m not so comfortable with what I learned.
The first King writes (my version) that:
“I’ve taken great advice and followed all the rules. It seems that no matter what enterprise I start – they all succeed. That would be reason to keep doing what I’ve conditioned myself to do, as today is a particularly lousy day. I’ve got 185,000 troops outside preparing to slaughter me and my people. I don’t have what i need to fix this, and I have no idea what to do. OK, I’ll do what I do…”
The second King writes (my version) that:
“I’ve lived a really privileged life. I’ve built and accomplished everything I dreamed of. I’ve written a couple of world famous books. I’m famous. I’ve laughed and loved and lived it all. But, to tell you the truth; it was all meaningless. And, here’s my final answer; fear God and be obedient, because all of the other stuff just makes you tired.”
If that’s not heavy enough, The first King claims that the reason EVERYTHING he tried was successful is because he ‘trusted’ God.
I hear God ask if I fully “TRUST” him – like King Hezekiah.
Then another dead guy, Webster, tells me I suck at TRUST. He says ‘trust’ is: a FIRM BELIEF or confidence in the reliability, integrity, justice or character of someone – and in this case it’s my TRUST in God. It wavers. I have too short a memory. It was completely unraveled by the loss of a windsurfing harness. It felt like betrayal, just like it did when I got the cruiser and not the stingray. Worse, the self-doubt and criticism flooded my mind; “If I claim to hear God, then why did I NOT hear a simple nudge, ‘pssst… your harness!’”. Worse, if I’m leading men, and God was actually silent - letting me forget the gear, then what kind of Dad is that? I surely wouldn’t let my son David leave his stuff behind. Ohh… maybe he’s stopping me from having a massive stroke on the water and dying like Jon Johnson did last weekend; dead at 51, right on the beach, in his wetsuit and favorite harness.
Back to John Eldredge. In the epilog he writes the same thing the two Kings did, and as Moses did (you remember the guy who didn’t know what was in his hand?) John says;
“As the people of God stood on the brink of the promised land, poised to carry their journey forward Moses issued a warning; “Don't be careless. Instead, be very careful. Don't forget the things your eyes have seen. As long as you live, don't let them slip from your mind. Teach them to your children and their children after them.”
The seasoned old sage knew human nature well, how forgetful we are, what a disaster it would be for them to lose hold of all that God was teaching them. It’s a warning that echoes down through the ages. Don’t forget. Don’t let this slip away.”
Ok, I get it. Mowing the lawn with the guys isn’t near as rewarding as the joy I get by the discipline of my core strengths. I love to learn, to achieve, to teach and create just like King Solomon, and yet, even he found fun and accomplishments meaningless. I see that Hezekiah was bailed out of trouble by his conditioned (10,000+ hrs) of worship and prayer, rather than his training and wisdom. We're told that the 185,000 were slaughtered by an unseen force - overnight while Hezekiah slept.
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