Awareness is a HUGE part of healing and success. Becoming aware of our strengths, short-comings and out-right blindness's is critical for growth – both personal and professional. If we’re ‘duped’ by comparative thinking, then we’re self-sabotaging our success and happiness. On the other hand, without ‘comparative’ thinking we’re vexed into indecision and procrastination. So, what’s the answer?
Become Aware of your Comparisons
Comparisons are no big deal, right? We all do it. As guys, we’re allowed to ‘explore’ and ‘judge’ and ‘test’ things. We test-drive cars, we test our friends and we test our own limits. We go places, do stuff and hope the consequences don’t catch us. But here’s the problem with testing; we assume we have a decent grasp on the ‘truth’. In reality, we shouldn’t be so certain of what we ‘believe’.
An ancient text warns us severely;
“judge not, lest you be judged”
It’s very true, but not the way I was taught it. I misinterpreted from my Catechism that ‘God was waiting to judge, so I better beware and behave’. I grew up thinking God was waiting to ‘whack’ me – like Santa – watching me from afar, ready to keep my presents WHEN I screwed up.
Another nuance of “judge not” is that I’ve often heard it used by a few of those that are VERY practiced at comparing things – as with leaders, experts, pastors and consultants. It reminds me a bit of what happens in my ‘knower’ when I hear a guy say; “trust me!”. I immediately ask myself; “why did he bring that up? Is there something I should be aware of that I’m not?”
The warning of the “judge not”, which is about the consequences for wrongly comparing stuff, didn’t make much sense to me until I became ‘guilty’ of judging falsely. I crossed the line emotionally in my marriage as a consequences of thinking that I ‘knew’ what was ‘really going on’. I believed something that turned out to NOT BE TRUE. In fact, I was duped by comparative thinking and completely blind-sided by it.
Let me Illustrate
Which of the two orange circles are larger?
Obviously, the one on the right. Yeah?
Measure them. They’re exactly the same size. We just think they’re different. The Mond Vergleich illusion demonstrates our brain’s ineptitude – our comparative thinking habits that result in false beliefs.
Ok, it’s just an illustration, but let me go a step further.
How about your Stuff?
Picture your car. Imagine seeing it in a traffic jamb, surrounded by a few of the vehicles you REALLY wish you were driving. Imagine yourself in the drivers seat, and notice the ‘feeling’ you get; that the other vehicles are so much better. Can you feel it?
Imagine your house. If it’s worth $350,000 and in a neighborhood of million dollar homes, then it will ‘feel’ like junk. Relocate that same dwelling in a trailer park, and you get my point. When we compare stuff, we believe in a distortion of the truth.
What about your Wife?
I know a guy that had an exotic ‘testosterone’ adventure. It was a one time ‘encounter’ that STILL dominates his thinking. He struggles with the HUGE impression it made, simply because it was so emotionally charged. A small number (like the blue circles on the left side) of really BIG emotions have ‘burned’ that experience into his mind, and it’s a distortion of the truth that locks him up emotionally.
The orange circle in his ‘frame of mind’ (on the left) looks small. She’s a beautiful and caring girlfriend, but he’s afraid to commit to her because he struggles with the ‘lie’ that falsely concludes she doesn’t ‘stack-up’ with the memory of his super-charged and distorted ‘adventure’. How can he change his beliefs, and feelings? Simple.
Truth through Awareness
What I did to recover from my marital transgression was that I became AWARE of what actually happened – at the core of my thinking – which was the result of false conclusions based on fuzzy evidence. I learned a lot about my emotionally arrested development. Although I had talked with a bunch of guys, I really ‘bought’ the counsel of half a dozen guys, and rather than overcome my ‘self-assured blindness’ I walked away from my commitment, thinking I was emotionally and legally ‘free’ to go. Wrong. Stupid.
Since reconciling, I’ve been transforming my thinking by ‘investing’ lots of ‘little’ affirmations (in my head) and in Angelina’s heart, reinforcing my commitment through consistency, and over time our marriage has become stronger than either of us imagine it could. This process also works with children and employees.
Decades of Wisdom
Here’s how to use this information constructively. Think about the orange circles as your marriage. If you want to nourish it, then surround your wife with many memories of sincere praise and attention. Notice when she’s cold and get her a sweater. Cook her dinner, do the laundry, run a tub for her,without being asked. Fill her car up, change the oil, take her out for coffee in the middle of her afternoon and JUST LISTEN!
Consider when she last heard “I love you” from YOU! If it’s been more than a couple days, you’re ‘blind’.
(Hey, Angelina; ”I love YOU, and I really enjoy the endless creativity you share with me!”)
If a small number of guys make positive comments or Facebook postings about her and you don’t have her surrounded by lots of small affirmations, then in her eyes, you’re screwed. If you want her to feel secure in your love for her, then be a different person. Do lots of LITTLE things, and save the ‘big vacation’ for a surprise.
What to Learn Professionally
This same pattern of thinking applies to our enterprise. There’s strength in numbers, and there’s an illusion that we can become too big to fail. I ask a number of the guys for advice, knowing their strengths, and BEING AWARE that THEY TOO judge and compare. I trust in the ‘advice’ that comes from many facets and points to our goal, to deeply serve enterprising men. When I hear a common message, I take note.
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